Why I Take Ritalin?
by FanFreak2002
Summary: Sequel to Lying is Fun but it Hurts. Everything from past and present is being swirled about, no one is able to tell the difference between the truth and the lies.
1. Chasing Cars

November 14, 2005 – 

It had been a complete month since, the Macdonalds had moved into the Venturi household. Surprisingly, Casey was starting to get used to the routine. She still felt as though something was missing, but she always brushed that feeling aside. Everything would fall into place if she took enough time to let it. Casey was doing her laundry, sorting out the darks and whites, delicates and durables. Until she felt something brush against her shoulder. "Yeah?"

**We'll do it all, everything, on our own. We don't need anything, or anyone.**

There was only one other person at home, so Casey didn't bother to look up. "Wash my clothes?" Casey looked up at Derek in disgusted awe. She then turned her gaze to Derek's hockey uniform, drenched in sweat. "Are you kidding me?" She laughed. He shrugged, it was worth a shot. He threw the clothes in the corner. And laid himself up against the washer. "Do you like Sam?" Casey looked at him in surprise, after regaining her composure, she shrugged. "He all right." "What about Tinker?" "We hardly talk to each other." "Sheldon?" "Derek, where are you going with this?" "I heard you talking on the phone with Emily that you like someone in school." Casey's mouth went agape. "You were listening in on my phone call." Derek smiled at her with an arched eyebrow. "Who cares, just tell me who you like."

**I don't quite know, how to say, how I feel. Those three words, are said too much, they're not enough.**

"What does it matter to you?" Derek's heart was pounding as he inched his way closer to Casey. "Besides my curiosity, I can tell you whether he's a dirt bag or not." Casey smiled a little. "What if I don't care if he's a dirt bag?" "So he is then?" Casey took a millimeter step towards him. "I can pretty much guarantee it." They were facing each other now, and Derek's voice came out hoarse. "So who is he?"

**Forget what we're told, before we get too old. Show me a garden that's bursting into life.**

Casey boldly stood on her tip toes, and touched her lips to Derek's. He responded instantly, embedding his fingers in her hair. Closing the space between them they made a tight embrace. Casey's mind was racing, but it always returned to the same place. Opposites attract, and the two of them brought out the best of each other. Bringing out an intensity in them that neither thought was capable of themselves. Always sparking fire into each others' eyes. They pulled apart, Casey panting into Derek's neck, him into her hair. She took his hand and lead him to her bedroom.

**Lets waste time, chasing cars, around our heads. I need your grace. To remind me, to find my own.**

If you watched you would have called it lazy sex. Very slow paced, moans murmured against each other's lips. Tongues lapping at whatever skin was available. Barely making a rhythm, only taking a notice of them becoming a whole. After it was over, they laid in each other's arms. Playing with each other's hair. "You know Sam does like you." "I know." His jaw clenched and she kissed it. "I love you." He smiled down at her, and he kissed her sweetly. "Maybe we should keep a cover though. I don't think people would really understand or accept our relationship." Derek nodded. "Sam can date you, but if he tries anything, they'll be hell to pay."

**All that I am, all that I ever was, is here in your perfect eyes. They're all I can see.**


	2. I Remember

**Now –**

The trial was soon going to come to a close. There were only two more hearings left, and the verdict would then be released to the public. Sam had yet to come out. Derek didn't think he'd be able to handle it. They had dropped the murder weapon, and confession from the case. Since Sam didn't have a lawyer present when it was revealed the judge dismissed most of the evidence. They were going to let Sam testify at the next hearing, and George was trying to talk Derek into not going, but Derek had made it clear that if the father of the unborn child didn't even show up, what would that say about Casey?

**I'm sitting here alone. Thoughts of you run wild, I'm longing for your touch. Holded by your smile.**

Derek was laying in Casey's room, sadness flooding through him. It had been nearly a year, and despite everyone's efforts Casey's scent was leaving the room. Every time he went in there, his mind went into a loop. The trial, his and Casey's relationship, the murder, the baby. It was the only place he could go to think about it. The mention of Casey's name would send dishes to shatter, papers to fly, and someone would eventually burst into tears. It seemed as though everyone had made themselves believe Casey was on some sort of a trip, and that she would be back soon. But it wasn't true, and every morning Derek had to grasp to that.

**No use trying to erase, no one could ever take your place. Well, I remember how it used to feel. When our love was true and real.**

The baby, the doctors confirmed it was a girl. A girl. Derek and Casey's little girl. It's not fair, he thought. Tears stinging the back of his eyelids. What would she have looked like? Leaning more to him or her? Or just a mish mash of the two? He'd never know, and it made it hurt that much worse. Derek squinted his eyes shut. Trying to recall any symptoms of the pregnancy. But he didn't no morning sickness, fatigue, weird food cravings, nothing. Only her usual mood swings. Casey couldn't have figured it out if she didn't have any symptoms. Besides, she would have told him.

**All I want right now is to forget, all the things that I regret. And drown out the embers, but I still remember.**

They could've gotten married, no one would have minded the irregular relationship. They could've grown old together. Now Derek was there alone. The investigators took most of Casey's things for a new source of evidence, and as Derek looked around the room he noticed how bare it actually was. He sighed as he walked to the window. Jumping as he felt something touch his shoulder.

**It's yesterday again, here inside my mind. And I can't find a way to leave your love behind.**

It was Emily, he had barely seen her since Casey's funeral, and was a bit surprised to see her there. "You okay?" He shrugged. "I'm neutral." "At least it's almost over." He looked at her, his expression blank. "It will never be over." She nodded, "Everyone misses her." "No one acts like it, they act like she's still here. But she's not, they need to face reality so we can all deal with it." Emily put a hand on his shoulder, and he faced her again. "If you ever need to talk I'm here." He nodded, and hugged her awkwardly. As they pulled apart Emily kissed him. "I want to ease your pain Derek, help you to forget her." Emily went for his belt buckle, and he shoved her away. "I don't want to forget her," he stated firmly. Emily's hurt expression stayed with him as she left the room. He took the back of his hand and wiped her taste away from his mouth. Finally knowing what Casey felt when she kissed Sam. He felt sick.

**I want to wake to the day. That your memory won't stand in my way.**

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Don't worry, MHxxPAPER DOLL, your song is going to be chapter four. One of the biggest chapters of the story, thanks again for the lyrics!!  



	3. Move Along

_**June 15, 2006 –**_

Casey had started to date Sam to throw everyone off her and Derek's trail. It seemed to be working pretty well, except for the way it made the two of them feel. It made them feel a bit uneasy, a bit sleazy for toying with someone else's feelings. And they were going to put a stop to it, when they found another way to hide their relationship. Even though it was summer it was still cool enough to wear a sweater in Canada. Sam was supposed to pick Casey up around seven and it was only five. She was lounging in the hammock Derek made Edwin put up, and the wind was gently making her sway to and fro. She felt a weight shift on the other side of the hammock, and Casey opened a bleary eye. "Hey Liz."

**Go ahead and waste your days with thinking. When you fall everyone stands. Another day, and you've had your fill of sinking.**

Casey's little sister tucked herself in her arms. It was a comforting gesture. "Casey, how do you know when you love someone?" Casey didn't even open her eyes as she spoke, "What kind of love are we talking here?" "Boy/Girl love you know? Like you and Sam." Casey cringed inwardly at that. "I guess when you feel the need to put them before yourself. To try and spend every waking moment to make that person happy." Lizzie nodded, though Casey was sure she didn't fully understand.

They laid in each other's arms for a while longer, not talking, not moving, just being. "Casey!" She jerked awake at the sound of her mother's voice. She stumbled into the house, her grogginess still heavy upon her. "Yeah?" Nora looked at her daughter, sensing her tiredness. "Do you care to watch Marti tonight?" Casey shrugged, "I have a date with Sam tonight." Nora nodded, "Maybe you could ask Sam to just watch a movie here?" "Do I get paid?" She smiled at her mother, and her mother smiled back. "If you want." "I'd kind of like to be." Her mother nodded, giving her a twenty in advance. Oh boy, she thought sarcastically to herself as she stuffed the bill into her pocket. Derek was lounged in his armchair, as Casey collapsed onto the couch. He smiled at her sweetly. But not moving as Edwin sat down Indian style on the floor. "Hey Ed, wanna move yourself away from the screen?" The boy shrugged, "Not really." At that Derek shot up, and chased Edwin, threatening a wet willie. It was moments like these that Casey enjoyed the most.

Everything was normal. There were no secrets, everyone was in the loop with one another. It made Casey's conscience clear. Sam came by a while later, and Casey cursed herself for not calling him. She then explained that she had to watch Marti that evening. He said he'd love to help watch her, to spend some time with his girlfriend. Casey forced a girlish giggle, as Derek got his coat, saying he had a date. Even though it was Casey's idea to date other people, it still made her blood boil with jealousy of how girls just practically throw themselves at Derek. She was in a snippidity mood as he left, wondering if he does with them, what he does with her. Sam took her moodiness, following her orders. He did all the chores, and was actually the person who ended up watching Marti. While Casey scanned the channels on the TV angrily. Casey's insides tightened, at the knowledge of her new found power. That whatever she asked, Sam would do it.

**Speak to me, when all you keep, strong, move along, move along like I know you do. Even when your hope is gone. Move along, move along just to make it through. **

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I'm so sad, I haven't gotten any reviews yet, where are ya guys?


	4. Music Video: Author's Note

For the first chapter, there's a music video on about it, my bud bxcutie made it for me. If you would like to watch it just put in the search engine: Dasey/ Chasing Cars.

Thanks for reading.


	5. Hide & Seek

The courtroom was full, and the tie Derek was wearing was choking him. Or maybe he was just nervous, or it could be both, he wasn't sure. He wasn't sure about anything anymore. Him, along with his family, was sitting in the front row. The lawyers were buzzing around, as if this wasn't a murder trial, but some sort of party. It ticked Derek off. He wanted to scream, to tell them that they had no feelings. That they were all going to go to Hell for their stoic behavior. Unfortunately, that would have him kicked out, and he had to be there for Casey.

**Where are we? What the hell is going on? The dust has only just begun to form, crop circles in the carpet.**

Everything was pretty much in a daze, the jurors were going over the evidence once more. Derek didn't know what more they needed, there was a gun, and the guy that fired it. What else was there? Derek almost lost himself when the cops brought Sam out. Deep inside of him, Derek felt a pang of compassion within himself. The best way to describe how Sam looked at that moment was well, defeated. It looked as if Sam had just given up on everything to keep going. He was thin, grungy, and looked as though he hadn't slept in a month.

**Sinking, feeling, spin me around, and rub my eyes. This can't be happening. When a busy street's a mess with people.**

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?" "I do." The jury looked at Sam, incredulously. Derek didn't know if that was good or bad. The lawyer asked Sam his name, and his relationship with the victim. "Can you tell me where you were going that night?" "To the woods, Casey always loved it there. It was calm and quiet." "Or because no one would hear her scream." All eyes turned to Derek, who was looking at Sam, unblinking. They locked eyes for the first time in over a year. Hatred thick in the space between them.

**Oily marls appear on walls. Where pleasure moments hang before the takeover. The sweeping insensitivity of this still life.**

"Why'd you do it Sam? Was it really that bad that she was with me? You're going to fry for it. You committed double homicide. Casey and the baby. Did your lawyers tell you that? You're going to pay! And I'll be there watching, and laughing!" Derek felt himself being dragged away. And he heard the judge bang his gavel. "I'm calling a recess, someone get that boy under control." His dad gripped his shoulder, as the D.A. babbled about how important it was to remain quiet during the trial. Derek only nodded, not caring, only wondering if Sam was thinking about what he said.

**Hide and seek, trains, and sewing machines. You won't catch me around here. Blood and tears, they were here first.**

It took about fifteen minutes, a cup of water, and a dozen deep breaths before Derek was calm enough to go back into the courtroom. He saw Sam talking to his lawyer. Everyone was reseated, and the judge took his seat once again. "If the defendant would like to continue." He motioned to Sam. "Did you take the gun with you when you left your house?" "Yes." "Did you take any drugs or alcohol with you?" "No." "Did you plan to kill Casey Macdonald that night?"

**What did you say, that it's all for the best?**

**Of course it is.**

**What did you say? This is just what we needed?**

**Of course it is.**

**You decided this.**

**What did you say? What did she say?**

"Yes." The crowd went into an uproar, and Derek could tell by the look of Sam's lawyer that Sam wasn't supposed to say that." "Excuse me?" Sam went on. "That afternoon I paced my room, trying to work myself up. It's for the best, I kept telling myself over and over. I tried to picture Casey with Derek, trying to infuriate myself at her." "Why did you have to?" Sam looked up at the man as if he were insane. "So I could kill her." The next question rang out across the walls. "Why did you want to kill her?" "I didn't she asked me to." "What?" "Casey was the one who asked me to kill her." And for the second time that day, the crowd went into a tedious uproar.

**Ransom notes keep falling from your mouth, midsweet talk, newspaper word cutouts speak no feeling. NO! I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!**


	6. Lying Away From You

**October 4, 2005 –**

Casey choked back a sob as she placed the last piece of clothing in a box. She looked about the room, her room. It was so empty. Deep within her sorrow was rage. Rage towards her mother. How could she? She went right behind her back to marry George. It wasn't that he wasn't a nice guy, he was a way better father than hers ever had been. But Casey's life was here in New York, not on the border edges of Canada. She banged her head on the side of her door frame. His kids were on the brink of being unbearable. Marti, the youngest, was a bit too loud mouthed, and God was she spoiled. Edwin, he always seemed to have something up his sleeve. And Derek, well Derek wasn't bad, the two of them used to hang out a lot together before their parents even met. That made it worse, her and Derek actually cared about each other, it wasn't some escape from the hurt of divorces or mundane lives. Casey sat in the corner of her room, her door closed and locked. And pulled up a loose floorboard. It contained a stash unknown to anyone, but herself. It was her very own escape, an escape from her sister's pestering and whining. Her mother's constant demand and lame excuses. The constant battle for her freedom of being who she wanted to be. It never lasted though, she always lost that war in the end.

_**When I pretend, everything is what I want it to be. I look exactly what you had always wanted to see. When I pretend, I can forget about the criminal I am. Stealing second after second just cause I know I can.**_

She lifted the objects out of the box, first a large pill bottle, taking the blue and white capsules out, and filling a spoon with the tiny beads. Lighting the bottom with one of her hidden matches, not really caring that it was burning the tips of her fingers. She was intent on watching the beads melt. She then filled up one of the many needles she had, and injected the liquefied morphine into her thigh. Leaning back to let it take effect. She knew she was only half addicted. She never craved for the drug, just used it when things were at their worst. Now was one of those times. As soon as the spiraling kicked in she took out the next device in her obscene ritual. The razor blade she had stolen from her father's tool box. It used to fascinate her how sharp it was, now she tried everything to make it a little more each time.

She ran the blade on her upper arms, and under her breasts. She took a few droplets of her blood and ran it across her mouth like lipstick. It didn't surprise her how bitter it tasted, her soul had rotted a long time ago. She wondered if her family even suspected anything, or that her mother was just glad that Casey was finally acting by her definition of "normal". She sometimes wondered what it would be like to die.

Just to let go. But she didn't think she could do it alone. She was that much of a coward. "Casey?" The girl was startled and looked at the mess around her, and was thankful that she had thought to lock the door. "Yeah?" "You ready to go yet?" She could tell it was Lizzie, and the younger girl probably wondered why her sister was holding herself captive in her own room. "Yeah, I'll be down in a minute." She heard Lizzie's footsteps die away. Casey hid away her stash in a special case no one would suspect underneath all her books. She fixed herself up, and tried to look sober. Hiding away her marks of anguish. She looked down to inspect herself. She scowled at the new wardrobe her mother had purchased for her. All of it nearly contained pink. Casey now despised that color. She let the moving men take away her belongings, not caring at the moment if any of it broke. She planted herself in her mother's SUV, and was silent as they drove up the road. Nora didn't care, she preferred silence from Casey, than to hear her older daughter's opinions and ideas. Casey wondered how different her relationship with her parents would be if she were a boy. That's what they wanted in the first place. That's why she was in the shadows and Lizzie shined in their eyes. Lizzie was a sports fanatic, and liked to get dirty. Whereas Casey, Casey wasn't really anything. They pulled up in front of the Venturi house, and Casey's stomach gave a powerful lurch.

As George came outside to help unload their stuff, Derek stepped on the porch, his arms crossed, he was trying to give them a predatorial glare, trying to make the girls feel unwelcomed. But Casey could see, she could see the sorrow in his eyes. The sorrow that was also in hers. And she returned his glare with a troublesome heartache.

**_I can't pretend this is the way it will stay, I can't pretend who you want me to be. So I'm lying from you, I remember what they taught to me. Remember condescending talk of who I ought to be._**

Her new room was cramped, and unlike her old house where you could walk around barefoot, and nearly down to naked. She had to wear socks upon socks jus to be able to walk to the bathroom. She walked down the stairs to fix her a cup of hot chocolate, and was surprised to see Derek a step ahead of her. He looked up at her with a chunk of cookie in his mouth. And he smiled at her, though he knew he shouldn't. "Wanna cup?" Now he was offering her something to drink? His toe was about to go over the line. Their façade of hate was fading, and old times were fluttering between them. They drank in silence. Neither taking their eyes off the other. Near three in the morning Derek decided to take a step towards her. He caressed her cheek, his eyes sad, but full of affection. "I love you Casey." She wanted to cry, as he leaned down to kiss her. It was full of yearning, and what ifs. But Casey pushed him away. It was too wrong, and selfish. In her room she burst into tears, knowing she couldn't stop this, but she must. She could never have the one thing she wanted – Love.

**_Remember listening to all this and that again, so I pretended up a person who was fitting in. And now you think this really is me, but the more I push the more I'm pulling away. Cause I'm lying my way from you._**


	7. It Ends Tonight

Sam didn't want to go out in the courtroom, for he knew Derek's glaring face would be out there. Sam always prayed to God for forgiveness while his cellmate was snoring in the dead of the night. Surely Derek knew he regretted what he had done. When Sam could fall asleep, which was in every blue moon, he saw the fear in Casey's eyes as the bullet was shot. A few times he also contemplated suicide, but was too afraid of what would be on the other side. Sam kept thinking about what Derek said the other day, was it that bad that he was with Casey? No, it wasn't, but that night Sam worked himself up enough to think so. Sometimes it was easier to pretend Casey wasn't dead, that all of this was just a bad trick played on him, and soon it would be over. But soon after reality followed, and sadness would send Sam to the darkest corner of his mind. Where he folded inside himself, and didn't bother with the rest of the world.

**Your subtleties, they strangle me. I can't explain myself at all. And all the wants, and all the needs, oh, I don't want to need at all.**

Prison wasn't as bad as all the movies made it out to be. There wasn't piles of rape, or a suicide everyday. Mostly everyone there was like Sam, broken. They didn't care about anything anymore. The more time he kept to himself, the more hatred to the monster inside him grew. The walls of his cell had crept in on him, and he was found huddled in the corner. That monster always seemed to have the upper hand on him. The second time, Sam could feel it eating him from the inside out, and he took his cellmates blade that had been snuck in and tried to cut the monster out. His cellmate had the bang the bars like an animal to get the guards inside. Sam was locked up in solitary, and restrained the following week of the trial. As he took his shower he tried to scrub his skin off. It didn't matter anymore, guilty or innocent, he was going to die soon after anyways. The monster wouldn't have it any other way.

**The walls start breathing, my mind starts weaving. Maybe it's best you leave me alone. A weight is lifted, on this evening, maybe it's best you leave me alone.**

Sam wondered what it would be like to walk freely in the sunshine again. Not in an orange jumpsuit and in shackles as he was loaded in the van to the courthouse. The ride was grueling, all the holes in the road made Sam jolt upward, giving him a killer migraine. The courtroom was close to empty as the guards stowed Sam in the corner. He knew today was the final questions and the verdict. Sam was going to nourish as much of the outside world as he could, because he knew this was going to be his last chance to be out. He hung his head low. How was he supposed to tell everyone what had happened, if they all had already made their minds up about it? You can't, all you can do is pray to God, and hope for the best. When he finally managed to pull his head back up, he saw the Venturis enter the room. His second family for over ten years. Now the love was replaced with an undying hatred towards him. Sam could never tell how hate could replace love so easily. All he could do was look at his hands as Derek stared daggers at him from across the room. Sam just wanted him to know that he was trying to help.

**A falling star, at least I fall alone. I can't explain, what you can't explain. You're finding things that you didn't know. I look at you with such distain.**

"Sam the last we spoke you were telling us that you were aiding Casey in a suicide?" "Yes, sir." Why do lawyers always make things seem less than what they really are? Sam didn't speak it out loud, of course, but he wanted to punch the guy. "Could you give us a reason why she should want to?" "She was never really open with why she wanted to, it was more of her just saying how she couldn't stand her life anymore. At first I just wanted to go along with it, and try to talk her out of it in the end, but…" Everyone's eyes were on Sam, and it seemed like his walls were crumbling. It soon became hard for him to breathe, and then he was down on the floor. When he woke he was in his lawyer's office, his mother holding his hand. Outside the window he could see his father and little sister talking to the D.A. . "Are you okay honey?" Sam winced at the slight tone of fear in his mother's voice. It made him sick what all this has come down to. "Yes, I'm fine. What happened?" She stroked his forehead with a forced smile. "They called a recess after you fainted. Your father's going to see if we can postpone the trial or not."

**Now I'm on my own side, it's better than being on your side. It's my fault when you're blind, it's better that I see it through your eyes. All these thoughts locked inside, now you're the first to know**.

Wobbling Sam stood up, "No, I want to get this over with, tell the D.A. to take me out there." Sam was tired of all of it, whatever he got he deserved it. After twenty more minutes of interrogation the verdict was in. "We the jury find the plantiff for first degree murder…Not guilty." There was gasped in the room, and out of the corner of his eye, Sam could see Mr. Venturi trying to yank Derek back into his seat. The juror read louder, "As an accessory to a suicide, we find him….Guilty." The courtroom broke out as Sam went to his lawyer. "How did they…?" "Somebody turned in one of Casey's journals, and it explained quite a bit. You got lucky. You got close to 20 years, but it's better than life." When Sam turned back to the crowd he thought he saw Lizzie and Edwin slightly smile at him, as the guards led him away.

**When darkness turns to light, it ends tonight, it ends tonight. Just a little insight won't make this right, it's too late to fight. It ends tonight, it ends tonight.**


	8. Jesus Take The Wheel

**Diary Entry: December 18, 2006**

Dear Diary,

Today I admit was very different. Early this morning Lizzie and Edwin kept giving me a combination of sympathy and hateful glances. I couldn't help, but cock my eyebrow. Derek smiled at me softly, as he always does when he first enters the room. Then it was back to our cover up of hatred. I wanted to burst into tears at the kind gesture. The night before didn't seem to take a toll on him at all.

_( "Derek? Do you ever wish your life could've been different?" He nodded. "I wish my dad didn't marry your mom, so we didn't have to hide." I smiled and reached for him. "I didn't mean it like that, but it's nice to hear." "How'd you mean it?" "I mean… Do you ever feel like you're not who you are?" Derek cracked a smile as if I had told a joke. "I'm not sure I know what you mean." No, I guess he wouldn't. "Well, I know it's pretty dumb to say, but what would you think would happen if I died?" His smile quickly vanished. "The world would end." I scoffed. "Yeah right." His big, warm hands cradled either side of my face, holding me together, as he made me look into his eyes. "My world would shatter without you Casey." I kissed him. "Lets stop this silly talk then." )_

Was he still thinking about it? Or did the realm of dreams erase it from his mind?

**It would've been a lot on her mind, and she didn't pay attention. She was going way too fast. Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin, black sheet of glass. She saw both their live flash before her eyes. She didn't even have time to cry.**

It was between the hours 8 a.m. to 3 p.m. I realized how much I hated school. I used to blame everything on cramps or the flu. But a few days ago a drug store pregnancy test proved otherwise. The fatigue killed me in the mornings, and I had to sit in the back so no one would tell I kept nodding off. The teachers may have noticed on occasion, but found their "Star Pupil" could slide a few times. Lunch was much worse. Emily would always rave about the food her latest boyfriend, who I never bothered to learn his name, cooked for her the night before. I would be on the verge of puking when she waved it across my face as she tried to entice me into taking a bite. It made my stomach turn sour. I had to look away so Emily feelings wouldn't be hurt. Disgust was written all over it. But not before Derek would catch a glimpse at my dismay, and have a worried expression on his face. That's what we get for sitting at tables side by side each other I guess.

**It was colder when she made it to the shoulder. And the car cam to a stop, she cried when she saw the baby in the backseat was sleeping like a rock. And for the first time in a long time, she bowed her head, and prayed. She said I'm sorry for the way I've been living my life. I know I've got to change. So from now on tonight.**

The day dragged on and on, and for a few moments I thought I was going to die from exhaustion. And to avoid Derek and pretty much everyone, as soon as I got home, I ran to my room. And just when I think I can lie down for a second, Lizzie and Edwin stand on the other side of my door. "We need to talk Casey." "Okay…How about why are you in my room without permission?" "No, I was actually thinking about talking about this." Lizzie held up my positive, discarded pregnancy test. "Lizzie what are you doing with that?" Edwin then stood up. "I think a better question is, why do you have these?" He then held up one of my needles and my blade. I collapsed on the door. "It's not how you think I haven't been doing anything for a month." Edwin seemed to soften, but as always, Lizzie stood her ground. "Why are you doing it in the first place?" "You wouldn't understand." "Why wouldn't I?" "Cause you're the Golden Child! You're the pride and joy of the Macdonald family, while I have to try and gain a little love everyday." I don't know when, but me and Lizzie were crumpled on the floor sobbing in each other's arms. "Let us help you Casey. If not for yourself, then do it for the baby." The baby? How am I that selfish? "I need to talk to Sam." "Casey, **PLEASE,** promise us." "Okay, I promise, but I really need to talk to Sam, before it's too late." I don't know if she knew what I meant, but she nodded anyways. "Yeah, you should." I didn't have a chance to catch Sam at home, so now I'm going to have to tell him the change of plans when he gets here. My mom and Lizzie talked it over, in sobbing voices, but it would be best if I go to a rehab center for help. And tonight when I get back I'll tell them all that I'm pregnant. I already promised Lizzie. I didn't feel like piling more on it all right at the moment. Besides a lot of girls now a days have kids at my age, and still lead successful lives. Maybe Derek will even marry me, maybe we can grow old together. It gave me a shred of hope, and that's all I need for it to grow.

Until tomorrow diary, I'll try to look forward to a new day,

**Casey M.**

**Jesus take the wheel, take it from my hands, cause I can't do this on my own. I'm letting go, so give me one more chance, to save me from the road I'm on. Jesus take the wheel.**

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**I used this song because it showed that Casey was pregnant, and at the same time that she wanted to get some help. So whoha!!!**


	9. Whiskey Lullaby

Casey did want to die, until the last second, and Sam wouldn't listen to her plea for life as his rage he built up killed her. Derek still didn't want to believe it, but after rereading Casey's thoughts and opinions in her journals, what seemed like the millionth time, he had to realize it was true. Ten years had passed by, and Casey's death felt like yesterday. Derek had decided at Casey's funeral that he would never have children, and it was really hard to find a committed woman when the guy didn't want kids.

He used enough of them though, trying to push away Casey's smiling face from his mind, but afterwards always wanting to sob away his guilt. Soon he decided to go to the next best thing to Casey, Emily. Emily was always there, and she was the closet thing to Casey that he knew of. But sometimes the guilt outweighed the comfort, and Derek knew that his family knew that the whole marriage was a sham. It was worse to the fact that Emily was oblivious to any of it.

After all the admiration for the suave Derek Venturi, maybe she was blind sided by her pent up love. She always clung to him in crowded areas, afraid that he would leave her standing alone. He would always then force a smile down to her. And after they were done having intercourse, and that's all it was, because there was no love in what he was making. At the end he would always cry Casey's name out in his head. It drove him mad, and the only place he remained hi sanctity was his dreams. She always told him that she was waiting for him on the other side.

And Derek couldn't wait any longer to be with her. So on the night Emily was going to help her mother pick out new paint for their den. Derek was going to be left alone in the house with his twelve gauge. He would soon be at his lover's side.

She put him out, like the burning end of a midnight cigarette, she broke his heart. He spent his whole life trying to forget her. He finally drank his pain away a little at a time, but he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind until the night.

**He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger, finally drank away her memory. Life is short, but this time it was bigger, than the strength he had to get up off his knees. We found him with his face down in the pillow, with a note that said, "I'll love her til I die." And when we buried him beneath the willow the angel sang a whiskey lullaby.**

Emily knew the rumors that escalated around her and Derek. At first they were easy to ignore, but soon the hurt and the facts made it seem to be true. Derek could never stand looking at her for long periods of time, and besides the time when they first started dating Emily couldn't remember the last time Derek told her that he loved her. She loved him, and maybe in time he would feel it for her.

Then the night she went home to find her beloved dead on the floor. And he was clutching a note telling her the rumors weren't just gossip. Emily's heart turned to stone as it hit the pit of her stomach. The only salvation for her loneliness for the last twenty years was dead? What now? What was she supposed to do? Every event flashed before her eyes, and without completely thinking she wrenched the gun away from her husband's lifeless hands, and ended the dwell of her questions. Her hand landed on her stomach, as a slight kick hit her belly, and it weakened and stopped along with her heart.

**The rumors flew, but no one knew how much she blamed herself. For years and years, she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath. She finally drank her pain away a little at a time, but she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind, until the night. She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger finally drank away her memory, life is short, but this time it was bigger than the strength she had to get up off her knees. We found her with her face down in the pillow, clinging to his picture for dear life, we laid her next to him beneath the willow as the angels sang a whiskey lullaby.**


End file.
